Monthly Archives: September 2011

I Cry

This is one of my favorite poems of Tupac’s. Being a writer I am big on using words as a form of expression because they are powerful when used correctly. Tupac was incomparable when it came to that. If the writer is good enough it is very easy for me to connect with their emotion through their lyrics and get lost in them especially when the lyrics speak as loudly as these do. Music can be a vessel into your soul, a source of healing and comfort. A place of solace. And at times that’s where I go when I find myself needing clarity. I put in my ear buds and I press play…..and sometimes I put in my ear buds and I Cry….

Sometimes when I’m alone
I Cry, cause I am on my own.
The tears I cry are bitter and warm.
They flow with life but take no form
I Cry because my heart is torn.
I find it difficult to carry on.
If I had an ear to confide in,
I would cry among my treasured friend, but who do you know that stops that long, to help another carry on.
The world moves fast and it would rather pass by.
Then to stop and see what makes one cry, so painful and sad.
And sometimes…
I Cry and no one cares about why.

– Tupac Shakur

Friday Fun!

Hope you all have a great weekend! I will be doing a  LOT of writing but I found this video and wanted to share! Enjoy!

Hump Day Hilarity

Inconvenient Friend….Very Convenient Enemy

If any of you are friends with me on Facebook you probably have already bared the brunt of most of my rant about this but I decided to bring it here to expound on it further. I just listened to the audio the Conrad Murray recorded of Micheal Jackson drugged up and it is really sickening to think that he sat there watching, listening and RECORDING this man who was obviously in need of HELP not someone recording them to exploit them. And then in the next couple days orders MORE drugs. Like I stated on Facebook I’m not posting the link or video. If you want to hear it you can Google it and listen for yourself. The prosecution also opened up with a picture of Michael laying dead on a hospital gurney. Totally uncalled for in my opinion. Basically, there is no reason we have to be without Michael Jackson right now! How can anyone calls someone their “friend” and sit back and watch them self-destruct like that, not just Michael Jackson, but ANYONE that is hurting or going through something? Is it because no one wants to acknowledge that depression and anxiety and mental health issues are REAL and REAL people face them on a daily basis? So it seems easier to be friends when it’s convenient, or rather inconvenient. Meaning, when a person is down and needs a friend the most that’s usually when people seem to scatter turning in to convenient enemies.

It’s easy to be someone’s friend when they are upbeat and happy and all is well because then everyone can share in it or add to the fun. An Inconvenient Friend is the one who is there when it’s not always convenient for them. They will sit there and cry with you or talking you through an anxiety attack or make sure that your depression isn’t taking over your day-to-day and in extreme circumstances come pick you up and dust you off if you do go off the deep end. A Convenient Enemy is the friend who disappears when they notice you slipping into depression or witness an anxiety attack because it’s convenient for them. Thus leaving you alone and feeling worse than what you did to begin with rather than offering up help it’s easier for them to stand back and wait for you to self-destruct.

I hate to be the one to pop your virginal cherries when it comes to depression but YES mental illness DOES exist in the Black communities and YES even celebrities deal with it, probably on scales worse than common people. And no matter how much people try to ignore it, IT’S NOT GOING AWAY. Men and women that you probably deal with DAILY are dealing with everything from depression to Bipolar disorder and they are suffering alone and in silence out of fear of alienating so-called “friends”. Michael Jackson was a man who needed HELP not a stronger sleeping pill. The demons that he was fighting not even a good nights sleep could slay and to see him surrounded by the sea of people that were constantly in his midst and NO ONE stood up for him or TO him breaks my heart. He would’ve just had to be PISSED at me I would’ve tossed his 100lb behind over my shoulder and took him to rehab. DAMN a concert! Because that’s what friends DO!

It’s not always about money or material things but unfortunately so many friendships nowadays are no deeper than a bottle cap full of water it’s not surprising this ended the way it did. People hang around or show up in your life long enough to see what they can or cannot get from you regardless of your condition or state of mind. And YES I’ve had so-called friends do this to me. Knowing I was having a bad day, week, whatever and I don’t hear from them. (And yes I suffer from sleep issues, I have trouble sleeping most nights) But as soon as I start with the joking and laughing on my Facebook posts or Tweets my cell starts blowing up. Because you see now it’s no longer inconvenient to be my friend.

Take inventory of your life and who you are surrounded with. The Bible says friendship should be like iron sharpening iron. Do you know how STRONG that is? I honestly don’t think people do because if they did there would be much closer and stronger bonds in friendships than there are today and all these people that feel so isolated and alone wouldn’t be feeling the way they do.

Why Do I Keep Hitting Myself Over The Head With A Hammer?

Because it feels so good when I stop…..

A lot of people have probably heard this phrase before. Meredith said it in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy once. When I first heard it I wasn’t sure what she meant but the more and more I thought I about what she said, I finally got it.

As women we do things, certain things, over and over again that usually cause us some sort of grief or pain and more often than not it involves a man. It can be anything from waiting for a date or sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring and usually once these things happen a sense of relief washes over us but the catch is as the high wears off from that encounter slowly but surely we start the cycle…..all….over….again. Hence, hitting ourselves over the head with the hammer.

These blows to the head can come in many different forms these are a few:

  • Sending text messages waiting for and receiving no response for hours or sometimes days, or worse, not at all. And when it finally does it’s a one word response: “HI” or “Hey”
  • Placing endless phones calls that go unanswered for days at a time.
  • A subtle exchange of emails or tweets that get ignored or when answered are very short and one-sided.
  • Promises of a returned phone call that doesn’t happen. At least not within the same 72-hours it was promised.
  • Plans of another date or spending time together that seems to never come.
They say love, or the lack of it, will make you do crazy things and the older I get the more I see this statement holds some truth. It can make you see things that aren’t there are or see people in a light that isn’t necessarily a good one but one that suits you at the time. All in an effort to stop hitting yourself upside the headThink Me Strange with the hammer. But I wouldn’t classify it so much as crazy as I would a want to have someone in your life. I don’t think anyone likes being alone and because of that fact we as women put up with a lot and in an effort to fill that void we get so little in return. What we really need to ask ourselves is this: is it worth it? Is the stress and strain from the repeated blows of the hammer worth an emotionless text that may or may not come or the two-minute phone conversation with no plans of another in sight? I will be the first to admit, I have sent texts the night before, sleeping with my phone by my side, only to wake up the next morning disappointed to find no response and I’m sure I’m not the only one woman to have done this. Just like I’m sure there a plenty of women who have ridden cloud nine through a date  with a man only to have that cloud crash to the ground when they don’t see him again for weeks and are only left with unanswered texts and phone calls promising “we’ll hook up soon”.
So at what point is it okay to put down the hammer? Or are we destined to beat ourselves silly searching for a high that may or may not ever come again?

Game On or Game Over?

That day, as you lured me into your world, did you think I wouldn’t notice? Or maybe you were hoping I would be, like the others, blinded by your expert way of making the obvious ambiguous. Did you think I wouldn’t sense the essence of the women that had been there not long before me? Was I not supposed to notice candles melted from misplaced passion or earrings forgotten in the haste to leave without a trace? Or maybe you were hoping your hugs would distract me from the faint echo of all the others, swirling around my body, taunting me or maybe they were warning me?

Warning me that one night with you would leave me stuck with the soul killing memory of being used and the stain of fingerprints and kisses that don’t wash away; no matter how scalding hot the water is or how hard I scrub. Maybe they were warning me that your kisses were laced with heartbreaking venom and your promises were infused with mind-bending deception.

But in your attempt to deceive you failed to realize one thing: I’m not like them.

Because you see, unlike them, my worth is not defined in the curve of my hips, or the pout of my lips. My value doesn’t rest in the swell of my breasts or the intersection where my thighs meet. There is so much more to me than the worthless thousand words a Twitpic can hold or the emptiness of a Sext message disguised as an innocent text message. I am not validated by requests for my image framed by a Skype window just to make you hype, you know? I am, however, mature enough to know the difference between playful banter and artful manipulation for self-satisfaction. I am that smile that can light up a day no matter how dark the clouds. I’m that chick in heels that commands attention when I enter the room, but will only accept it from that special one. I’m expert enough to weave a tale with words and skilled enough to have it rest on a shelf titled: Best Seller, yet grounded enough to pop a green bottle and play a game of Madden. More importantly, I am WOMAN enough to recognize the BOY in you. So as I walk out of your life, your eyes on my back and your mouth hanging open in disbelief; I can’t help but wonder: did you really think it would be that easy? Or has it been that easy because, as women, we are too worn out from the game to make it that hard?

I don’t know the answer, but I do know as far as this woman is concerned: GAME ON!

How Do They Do That?

There’s nothing like waking up with tears in your eyes….

But I always wondered, how do they do that? The tears I mean.

Do they just know that you slept with a broken heart and are there, ready to comfort you.

Or are they there, out of spite, to serve as a reminder, that you slept with a broken heart?

Everything and Nothing

What do you do when nothing is what it seems and everything is exactly what you feared it to be?
When you’ve spent your soul on a moment that you foolishly tried to turn into: forever?
You take a moment to make your reality match your situation, you take a step back and then you forgive yourself, and allow yourself to heal.
Because in time……and only in time……you will smile again.
And if you’re lucky, there will be someone there…..to return the smile.
But only this time….it’ll be real and it won’t cost you a thing.
And if you’re really lucky, the only thing that smile will be hiding……is forever.

So Hard To Say Goodbye…..Sometimes…..

Well they are finally gone. The characters I have spent the better part of  year with have finally been sent off for their big debut. I’m a little nervous but very excited I really hope everyone loves these characters as much as I did.  It has definitely been a roller coaster ride. From characters who didn’t want to cooperate most days (Linc) to characters who decided halfway through that they wanted to change their whole storyline (Idalis).  We had our share of battles but in the end they put in work and I am very proud of the work they did. I keep saying “them” and not “me” because my characters do all the work, that’s how I’ve always written. If I don’t let them come to life and develop a voice then all you’re left with is me telling you a story…..and who wants that?? So I guess we can all sit back and celebrate what we’ve done and the fact that I didn’t have to choke anyone 🙂 But our celebration is short-lived because we all still have work to do. So for now we’ll just enjoy the moment……and have someone clean up this mess this  champagne just made….and turn down the music from our little party before someone calls the police and who spilled the cheese dip on the carpet??!!

Oh goodness…..I gotta run….Linc and Trip are arguing over the last piece of pizza and Idalis is nowhere to be found…… *sigh*

And the story continues…..

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